According to sources, this weekend is the Super Bowl, a time-honored tradition where men bang each other’s heads together, causing years of damage that eventually leads to death (and probable financial ruin before that), as the American public watches in glee while consuming mass quantities of unhealthy foods and…

Editor’s Note: As several keen-eyed readers have pointed out, the Siberian Times source article for this post is from 2013. D’oh. Still a pretty funny image.

Here’s the thing about South Carolina: if you drive far enough inland from the ocean, you will run out of fingers on which to count highway billboards threatening you with ultimatums like “Accept Jesus Or Burn In Hell.” Not a whole lot to recommend the place once you get out of earshot of the surf.

Just once in your life, cook a brisket, over smoky charcoal heat, on the grill. Do it for the solemn pride of having done so, and for the rime of authority it will lend to your future haughty pronouncements on the quality of others’ briskets. Do it because brisket—a massive cut of tough working muscle from the chest…

Once upon a time, sure as you are born, some dingus was all, “Onions?!?! In your guacamole?!?! You motherfuckers!”

On Saturday morning, an emergency call about squirrel abuse sent police to Brooklyn’s Prospect Park. When the officers arrived, they found not the brutal torture of a park squirrel, but what you see above: a happy Ecuadorean man, toasting a guinea pig on a wooden pole beneath sun and sky, free and brave and square…

Pâté is a fun word to say through your nose. Paaaaah-TAY. You should practice this often, as it will accompany the finished product well as a signal to the swells that you are one of them. ARE you enJOYing your paaaah-TAY.

With barbecue season upon us, it’s time to get proficient with your grill. But just as important as knowing what to do is knowing what not to do. Don’t let your skewers overcook, your burger become bland, or your steaks dry out. Here are some basic tenets to follow to avoid the most common grilling mistakes.

Cold fusion. Mars colonization. A cure for cancer. Peace on earth. Cute li’l goals, I guess, if you’re looking for a self-esteem boost.

There are many good reasons for grilling whole fish. The skin and bones keep the flesh moist and flavorful; the skin itself, when cooked well, is life-changingly delicious; whole fish stands up better to grilling heat than a fillet or fish steak will; whole fish usually costs less by weight than the portioned stuff;…

I like to eat. Most of you do, too, I’m fairly sure, because I’ve seen you all doing it out at restaurants and in front of, behind, or under food trucks, and I daresay you looked quite pleased with yourselves. But due to the finite geometry of intestines and other guts, as well as the unwelcome but omnipresent…

“Bone broth,” the latest and stupidest of food trends, gets a hard time, here and elsewhere. But really, that’s only because the term “bone broth” is a sequence of mouth-sounds the actual semantic content of which is, “Our educational system has failed.”

“Bone broth” is soup. It is soup and not some other, different thing. It is not new or fancy. It is not even a new kind of soup. It is soup. “Bone broth” and “soup” are synonyms.

Hollandaise sauce is the lifeblood of the brunch-industrial complex. You want brunch—which is to say, you want eggs Benedict, the totemic brunchstuff, and maybe like some strawberries or quiche or whatever else goes with brunch? I dunno, I just really want some eggs Benedict, and it’s 11:30 already—but don’t know how…

Pickles and ice cream are for amateurs, man. Peanut butter and American cheese sandwiches, hold the bread—that's how you do vile food pairings in style.

Roasting a chicken is the last threshold to full coming of age. Before you have done it, you are a fledgling. After, you are an elder.

Pity the poor East Coast rat racer. Look at him, pouring out of the subway with his sooty, bedraggled kin, lurching through ill-lit corridors, past dripping pipes and glaring widows just missing him with the splash of their chamberpots. There he is, spending $12 on a substandard turkey sub. Here he goes, hat brim…