Here Is Your Emergency Labor Day Menu

Look, anyone could forget about Labor Day. Right? This is what you tell yourself, rocketing homeward from the empty workplace it took you many long minutes to recognize is closed today and why—Oh god, is everybody coming over for a cookout? Did I tell them I'd host Labor Day? Oh god did I promise meat. » 9/01/14 10:05am Today 10:05am

How To Grill A Skirt Steak, A Mere 11 Minutes Of Worthwhile Labor

Grilling skirt steak is the easiest, fastest way to get steak into multiple people at the same time. This makes it well suited to Labor Day's two traditions: the notion of a holiday from work, and the often contradictory practice of throwing a big exciting cookout on this day when you're supposed to be taking a… » 8/30/14 9:45am Saturday 9:45am

This Giant Crab-Topped Pretzel Is A Tasty-Looking Horror

From the DC Sports Bog comes word that the University of Maryland will begin selling a 1.5-pound crab-and-cheese-bedecked soft pretzel called "the Chessie" (short for "Chesapeake," presumably) during the upcoming football season. That is to say, the pretzel alone weighs 24 ounces. Presumably the thick smear of… » 8/28/14 3:05pm Thursday 3:05pm

Burger King, And Only Burger King, Wants To Be Canadian

Burger King Worldwide Inc., a chain of over 13,000 sad, ignored, tumbleweed-strewn burger graveyards in 79 countries around the world, has agreed to fork over around $11 billion to purchase Canadian donuts-and-breakfast chain Tim Hortons Inc., giving the new combined company ownership of exactly one brand that… » 8/27/14 2:35pm Wednesday 2:35pm

Restaurant Removes Bacon Sign, Ignites Culture War

This is it, folks. This just might be it. Your love of bacon will bring you to ruin, our ancestors said, but did we listen? Did we heed? No we did not. And now: Here we are, careening bacon-scented over the precipice of disaster. "My grandfather was alive in 2014," they will say, huddled furtive over a… » 8/26/14 3:05pm 8/26/14 3:05pm

Your End-of-August Cocktail Is A Lemon Rosemary Vodka Fizz

It's August. If you are reading this it is because you are stuck at work while your friends are off at their "lake houses" and "beach trips." The news, domestic and international, is awful. You need to relax. You need a cool beverage to relax. Allow me to suggest that the optimal beverage is a lemon rosemary vodka… » 8/22/14 12:09pm 8/22/14 12:09pm

Glasshole Wants You To Wear A Computer On Your Face While You Cook

National Geographic magazine, a mail-order Caring About Things merit badge for baby boomers, has been running a "Future of Food" series on the Plate, its food blog, for the past few months. This month's entry was written by Mary Beth Albright, an attorney, food writer, and former contestant on Food Network Star's… » 8/18/14 2:45pm 8/18/14 2:45pm

Actually, Here Is A Good Ranking Of The Fruits

Many internet web sites like to rank the fruits. You can see right away that these rankings are wrong and bad, both because their results are stupid, and for the reason those results are stupid, which is that they were assembled using a lousy-ass amateurish methodology. Amateur bush-league-ass fruit-rankers are… » 8/14/14 2:15pm 8/14/14 2:15pm

Eating Outdoors Without Flies Landing on Your Food (While Bubbles Fill…


My wife and I hosted a birthday party for our two-year-old son last weekend. Being the thoughtful mom that she is, my wife gave the party a theme: Bubblepalooza. This involved the online purchase of a $15 bubble machine, which cranked a steady flow of bubbles onto the back patio throughout the party. » 8/14/14 12:37pm 8/14/14 12:37pm

How To Make Hushpuppies, Which Are Man's Second-Best Friend

You may already know one of the many (likely apocryphal) hushpuppy origin stories, in some form or another. A familiar one has an old-timey Deep South cook (possibly a slave, depending on the storyteller's willingness to acknowledge the foundational crime of American history) preparing food for some form of large,… » 8/09/14 10:01am 8/09/14 10:01am

There Is No Such Thing as a Chesapeake "Crab Boil," Suckers

"Crab boils date back centuries on the Chesapeake Bay," write the people who are selling "crab boil" events—for $67—in New York City. These people are frauds and liars, selling ersatz "authenticity," pretentious unpretentiousness, a twee New York fabrication that has nothing to do with the tradition it wishes to evoke. » 8/07/14 9:53pm 8/07/14 9:53pm