Taste Test: Milk And Honey Original Café Mix, The Alleged Best Cereal

Back in February, our Tim Marchman posted a list that purported to rank breakfast cereals in order of deliciousness. His selection of something called "Milk and Honey Original Café Mix" for the top spot—on what's a pretty comprehensive list of the breakfast cereals you can find in your typical supermarket, mind you—generated quite a bit of controversy, both within Deadspin and in the outer world, both because no one has ever heard of "Milk and Honey Original Café Mix," and also because, what in the hell, "Milk and Honey Original Café Mix"?

This week, some members of the Deadspin staff finally had a chance to try this stuff. They recorded their reactions in the staff chatroom.

6:05pm, July 30, 2014

Burneko: seriously, one of you bastards needs to try marchman's breakfast mulch and review it for foodspin
so that we can have closure on the whole list incident

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kyle: no

Burneko: goddammit, wagner
mail it to me, then

Tom Ley: i will do it

Burneko: i'm sure mailing won't make it worse

Tom Ley: i volunteer as tribute

Burneko: it's already woodchips
attaboy, tom fuckin' ley
hero shit

kyle: katniss dies in real life

Greg Howard: it didn't even come in a fucking box
just, like
a bag
with a zipper

Burneko: a burlap sack
?

10:13am, July 31, 2014

Burneko: did anybody give Marchman's Nutritive Muesli a try?

1:37pm, July 31, 2014

Tom Ley: official take on tim marchman's garbage cereal: IT AIN'T BAD, MAN

kyle: it's just plain ass cereal

marchman: Wagner has no taste buds

kyle: the anthony mason of cereal

Tom Ley: it is surprisingly sweet and does not taste like wood chips

harvilla: isn't it crazy unhealthy

Tom Ley: my only complaint is that there isn't really much consistency to it. all the pieces are very small so you kinda feel like you got gravel in your mouth

Greg Howard: that's a big complaint tho
but, i mean, it's not cereal
so anything goes

marchman: Let it soften up some

Burneko: is it the best of cereals? because that was the assertion.

Tom Ley: well no

kyle: yes, this is like that one month i tried eating flaxseed and that other shit you sprinkle on food to make it healthy

Tom Ley: it is not the best of cereals

marchman: It's in the cereal aisle and you eat it with milk and a spoon. How is that not cereal?

Greg Howard: official take: not the best of cereals

Tommy: you know, that's it

Greg Howard: oatmeal is in the cereal aisle. not cereal.

Tommy: it's the 1994 knicks of cereal

Tom Ley: official take: not the best of cereals, BUT IT AIN'T BAD, MAN

marchman: That's probably right Craggs

Tommy: if you threw anthony mason and derek harper in some milk
you'd get marchman's favorite cereal

Burneko: does it taste like real café?

Tom Ley: what it needs is a few of those giant oat clusters, like in honey bunches of oats

kyle: the parts that are fruit are sticking to my teeth like the worst fruit snacks

Burneko: this ... this sounds horrible.

Greg Howard: so far, the mid-90s knicks have been used to describe both italy's soccer league and milk and honey granola

Samer: oh oat clusters are awesome

marchman: The mid-90s Knicks are basically the peak of human civilization

Tom Ley: i'm also convinced that this cereal is actually extremely unhealthy because it is really really sweet

Burneko: "It's not bad, except it's like gravel that sticks to your teeth."

Tom Ley: this shit is just like all sugar

kyle: they're pretty close to that weird italian game with all the bareknuckle fighting

marchman: Yeah look at the ingredients, Ley, it's not health food

Greg Howard: weird italian game is the mid-90s knicks of sports

Tom Ley: also there are sunflower seeds in it(!?)

Samer: i kinda want to try this now

Burneko: I mean, what in the hell.

Samer: it does not sound bad, man

Tom Ley: IT AIN'T BAD, MAN

Burneko: You guys got catfished by sugary bird food.

harvilla: real headline possibilities here

kyle: i officially hate this cereal. it's a pain in the ass to chew because it just comprises like 50,000 individual grains

harvilla: IT AIN'T BAD, MAN vs. THE '94 KNICKS OF CEREAL

Burneko: Burn calories by grinding it with your mouth!

Tom Ley: sugary ass grains with sunflower seeds
honestly tho it basically turned the milk into ice cream
that's how sweet it is

harvilla: "IT AIN'T BAD, MAN" — gary shteyngart

Burneko: this is like when sports fans try to talk themselves into the shitty Euro with T-rex arms their team just blew a lottery pick on.

Tom Ley: hmmm ok now i have a headache
this could be going south
mighta been all the chewing

Samer: ominous

Tom Ley: jaw feeling a little sore

kyle: i just tried drinking the milk and it tastes like cocoa pebbles milk
which is alarming?

Tom Ley: IT WAS A LOT OF CHEWING, MAN

kyle: a bunch of grains really shouldn't leave milk that tastes like it shot out of the nesquik bunny's ass

marchman: Note that the main objection here is that the cereal is too sweet, too good
"Oh man I don't feel comfortable eating something this obviously unhealthy"

Rohan Nadkarni: it sounds like the main objection is the chewing
and that it might not be a cereal

kyle: calling this cereal, as cereal is typically consumed, still seems wrong. it's like calling a fistful of actual wheat a loaf of bread

Tom Ley: yeah man i really don't feel so good right now

Burneko: i mean, why shouldn't the best of all cereals be actively unpleasant to chew with your mouth and give you a headache?

Tom Ley: i'm hitting a crazy sugar high and my jaw and head feel funny
i can't stop blinking
did you fucking dose this with something, marchman?

Rohan Nadkarni: you killed tom

Burneko: oh shit, wrong bag guys, that was the meth
Crunchy Meth Chips

kyle: when you get to the end and it's just a soggy bag of ass (like all cereal), the pieces are so small that when you bite into them, they like, juice out a bunch of that frightful oversugared milk

Greg Howard: that's not good cereal
i'd even go as far to say
it's not cereal

Burneko: this is some cronenberg shit
Kyle and Ley growing TVs in their heads right now


Photo by Kyle Wagner