From the DC Sports Bog comes word that the University of Maryland will begin selling a 1.5-pound crab-and-cheese-bedecked soft pretzel called "the Chessie" (short for "Chesapeake," presumably) during the upcoming football season. That is to say, the pretzel alone weighs 24 ounces. Presumably the thick smear of back-fin crab meat, melted cheddar cheese, and Old Bay seasoning will bump this sucker up into the two-pound range.
According to the university's press release, it serves four; as the Sports Bog's Dan Steinberg notes, even that seems like a lotta fuggin' crab-and-cheese pretzel per person. It's gonna cost $17.50! For a pretzel! And $1.50 worth of canned crab and cheese! What in the hell is going on today.
Seems like it might be time to reel the whole pretzel thing back in a tad. We've let this go on long enough. Between pretzel-bread pizza dough, the silly pretzel-bun cheeseburger at Wendy's, Sonic's pretzel-bread hot dog bun, pretzel-bread sandwiches at Dunkin' Donuts, multiple Food Network personalities putting out recipes for non-pretzel uses for pretzel dough, and now Chessie over here, shit's getting a little pretzelly out there.
Here is the thing. Pretzels are good. People like them. But, there are also other things that are good. Like, for example, oh, just to grab something off the top of the ol' noggin' here, good pizza dough is good. Good pizza dough makes good pizzas. Good sandwich buns are also good! It's OK to have a sandwich with a regular sandwich bun. It's OK to eat a pizza made of familiar-ass pizza dough. It's OK to just shove some cheesy crab dip into your mouth with your gross bare hands in a stadium full of people, even if it doesn't have a pretzel under it, even if you are just ladling it into your face with your cupped palm, no matter what stadium security says about it.
Don't get me wrong! I am sure "the Chessie" is a delight. Pretzels are good! Crab is good. Cheese is good. But, mark my words, fellow mortals: The pretzel wave is nigh to cresting, and crashing. Let none be dragged back out to sea when it recedes! Play around with your little "pretzelzzas" and "bunzels" and "aligning yourself with Guy Fieri's tastes" and "literally eating a 1.5-pound pretzel with some cheap krab-cheesefood slathered across it while watching the Maryland Terrapins football team probably lose, gross, why" for a bit, but then, when you have had your fill, let us return to good sense. Let us return the pretzel to its rightful role as a modest, hand-sized delivery vehicle for mustard. Let us not stand athwart the laws of nature.
Photo via Maryland Athletics